Legend Reborn

Beastmaster Episode Review

In which they chuck everything they've built up to this point out the window and start over.

What Happened

Dar is off to save someone when the World's Most Useless Spirit Warrior shows up. Now, this might have been an interesting idea, but they picked Marc Singer to play him for the sole reason that he played the Beastmaster in the Beastmaster movies and this somehow makes him special.

I mute the TV whenever he's on in order to spare myself the headaches his line readings and attempts to be "clever" always cause me, but his basic deal is that he is there to test Dar and lead him to new knowledge about his past.

Apparently being Beastmaster and chief of the Sulas isn't important enough. Dartanus tells Dar that his real father was a great King named Eldar, who's so great and good that he was Lord of Darkness Balcifer's mortal enemy and was especially targeted by King Zad in his conquests. Eldar was so great and good that even though all of this happened only about a generation ago, Tao has never heard of him.

Tao. The guy who lives for this stuff. Who grew up in what was supposedly the best city ever to live in to learn about folklore and history. Who wanders the whole world going, "Yeah, I've heard of them" every time they go into a village or run into a warrior. Never heard of Eldar growing up.

Or during his travels, which apparently weren't that far, really as the world has shrunk again and King Zad can make a day trip to the Sorceress' mountain from Xinca - which had originally been so far away Dar didn't know where it was, but is now right next door. (The Sorceress has been released from her amber cage, by the way, and taken up black leather as a fashion statement.) I'm hating this already.

Anyways, Dar's Great King Father lost his final battle with Zad and hid his family away in order to protect them. Dar, the youngest, was given to the Sulas, along with Eldar's sword. Every so often when Dar swings his staff, the sword appears in its place all shiny and sharp and everyone goes, "oooh." Because even though last season, the Nords were so cool for bringing metal to the Mydlands or the Downs or where-ever the hell they are these days. And Zad had never seen metal weapons before and needed to learn how to make them. He just conveniently forgot that Dar's Great King Father used to use the same kind of weapons.

Of course, he also forgot to mention for two years that he'd sold his soul to the Lord of Darkness. Balcifer now insists that Zad has to kill Dar - the last bastion of Goodness - before he gets his immortality and power and whatnot, so off Zad goes to destroy him.

What We Learned

• Dartanus isn't deaf. He's obnoxious and annoying, but not deaf.
• It's unreasonable, I know, but I blame Dartanus for the seriously pathetic blue screen of the bridge and the abyss.
• The people rejoice because Zad is giving them a three day party. Let's hope they stop whining.
• Zad can't hear his soothsayer when he's slobbering into the carpet.
• Anyone with second sight knows Zad is destined to be ruler of the world.
• Balcifer doesn't explain. He tends to throw tantrums and then let you figure it out.
• Dar's truth lies at the end of a journey that he can't avoid. (And this dribble issues from the mouth of an actor I can't avoid.)
• A world run by Balcifer wouldn't be much fun.
• Often the least promising direction yields the richest reward.
• Happiness is overrated.

Best Line

Sorceress: "You asked for me, as part of the deal? Should I be flattered?"
Zad: "I would be."

Tao: "Did the beggar actually say to go down into the catacombs?"
Dar: "It was more like a hint."
Tao: "Hint? Shouldn't we have a higher standard for risking our lives?"

What Did I Think?

I don't know what to do about Marc Singer.

Everyone I mention him to seems to just love the guy, but whenever he talks, it's like nails down a chalkboard for me. And then? There's his need to "set" himself before every line: hip hip shoulder shoulder chin pose pause and then speak. Why does he do that?