Andromeda Episode Review
In which the author of "Spock's Brain" called and would like thank this episode for taking his place atop the Big List of Stupid Stupid Sci-Fi Episodes.
Please note: This episode was really really bad. This will be long. And painful.
What Happened
Harper, left in charge during the night shift, takes the opportunity to challenge some moron Nietzschean to a race. His super-fuel gimmick launches them into slipstream at a dangerous velocity, dumping Dylan out of bed.
As they recover, a mysterious signal is intercepted by Andromeda. Dylan also hears a woman's voice whispering in his room. Rommie identifies the source as a globular cluster (the source of the signal, not Dylan's latest delusions). Tyr points out that they will have to travel through hostile space; Beka points out that globular clusters are awful big and they don't know what they are looking for. Dylan keeps hearing the voice dropping clues, however, and since he's in charge and can bully Rommie into voting his way, off they go.
A natural phenomenon that happens when a particle cloud intersects with Ymir's moon is the only tourist trap in the area. Dylan drags Beka, Trance, Rommie and Harper on a field trip down to the frozen moon in search of his mysterious voice. Guided by his hormones, Dylan leads them through the caverns to an empty ice cocoon. Trance thinks whoever was in it is on the verge of death, probably at risk from the particle cloud.
Dylan asks Tyr (who is clearly in no mood for this crap) and Andromeda to divert the cloud. Dylan's pack is also losing interest in the spooky ice city, until the ice bimbos show up. They knock out everyone and select Dylan to be strapped down to the nearest bed. The Queen Bimbo announces that she needs to procreate and Dylan - who has yet to meet a female he wouldn't sleep with - pretends to be a) surprised and b) reluctant as she gropes him and tells him how wonderful he is.
The Queen Bimbo explains that the cloud will grant her the energy to shape her people and give them life. Dylan realizes that diverting the cloud was not his brightest idea. When Tyr's attempt at diversion fail, he orders Andromeda to destroy it. She points out that his tinkering has botched her shields and weapons... Oh and there's a Nietzschean battle cruiser hanging about. Agai, Harper's twerp buddy, isn't that bright, so Tyr lies to him that the cloud is under Drago protection, prompting Agai to destroy it.
Feeling the cloud disperse, the Queen Bimbo launches into a whine about how little she's experienced of life, and now all she needs to do is screw and die, but he's screwed it up! Rommie manages to free herself and the others, telling the Queen Bimbo to release Dylan. He guilts her into letting him go, then sends the others away. They leave, while Tyr explains about the destroyed cloud problem and Agai appears. He'd kind of like to father his own race.
The fight scene breaks out, and if you think Dylan loses... you're not allowed to watch television anymore. Agai, however, threatens to bathe the moon with gamma rays. Dylan points out that once it does, Agai's ship will vaporize, leaving behind a cloud of charged particles. Andromeda destroys Agai's ship, creating a new cloud for the Queen Bimbo.
The next scene is - quite frankly - so embarrassing that I don't want to describe it.
What We Learned
- Prepare for a little anti-proton fusion tank spillover.
- Andromeda can always hear Harper.
- Maybe Harper will just take a back seat in the decision making today.
- Trance is always curious when she hears voices.
- Dylan came quickly.
- These access ducts were built for lesser beings.
- One of us is going to regret this.
- Dylan is not your average carbon based biped.
- Agai sees that Dylan has taught Tyr to come... when he's called.
What Did I Think?
In my mind, "Slipfighter the Dogs of War" was the "Jump the Shark" episode of Andromeda. Though the show never exactly had much artistic greatness, and sometimes slipped into mediocrity, that episode was the first one that wasn't just stupid: it assumed I was stupid. That I either wasn't gonna notice or care about gaping plot holes, idiotic premises, and that suddenly plot-mandated angst was standing in for character development. There was also that nagging feeling that I was watching really really badly written propaganda advancing a very specific political agenda that I didn't sign up for.
Now, most of the episodes that follow are pretty bad. There's a clear "We don't think you care, so we don't care, so watch this pretty explosion" feel to them. I'm supposed to believe that if Tyr knew where another member of the Kodiak Pride was, he'd just leave her alone - alone as in the only person on the entire planet? That Dylan is so over-whelmingly charming that even a Niezchean warrior woman is going to make out with him in public? In the middle of a crisis that could kill them all? Dylan trumps impending death? For a Niezchean? That Beka's just going to give it up to some bland little twerp? (Okay, the last one is at least consistent with her crap taste in men.)
Then comes "Vault of the Heavens," wherein I am asked to believe that Harper knows the creation mythology of an obscure planet on the edge of the known galaxy? Or that Beka would go out of her way to get somewhere in time to witness the planet's Auroras? She was raised on a spaceship, people! I'd have a hard time believing she knows what an Aurora is, much less gives a crap about a fancy atmospheric light show. The only reason she's even in that scene is that the script needed to yammer out some exposition about the charged particle cloud and Dylan can't talk to himself all the time.
And that's before we even hit the central element of this episode: Dylan as Space Stud.
I know I joke about Dylan being something of a slut, with a girl in every plot-line, but it's just a joke. Really. Let it lie in the background. Don't frame an entire episode around the concept. If you are going to drag this out? Do a better job of it! Go all out with the campy or something. You have all the elements of a stellar Flash Gordon episode here, where's the post-irony acknowledgment of the absurdity of the episode's very existence?
If the episode is going to force me to take it seriously, there are just too many... everythings... that can't be ignored. For one thing, we've seen Dylan sleep with every other woman that's come along, why is he suddenly shy with this one? Does is have something to do with the fact that she's the aggressor here? That's she's seemingly tied him up with ruffles torn off her nightie?
And what's with the fight scene? Dylan's just given her the "humans are so keen" speech - is he going to prove his higher nature by beating the snot out of someone? Or is he just re-proving his manhood to the audience so that makes it okay for him to prostitute himself for the sake of mankind?
The cherry on top of this steaming pile is Dylan's final scene with Harper, where he pronounces what has happened "a miracle." Are we really going for delusions of Godhood here? Am I supposed to want to embed my remote control in my television set? Maybe I'm watching the show from the wrong angle. Maybe the scriptwriters weren't on crack - maybe they were holding an quiet contest to see if they could write an entire series around a singularly unlikeable character. Maybe they all went on and got jobs on House.
Speaking of poorly disguised politics: a woman whose only purpose in life is to procreate and then vanish, never to bother the man again, leaving behind his progeny for him to beam proudly down upon? See, now you're not only assuming I'm stupid, you're assuming I'm stupid in a very particular way. You're not insulting my intelligence, you're just being flat-out insulting.
It's at this point, however, that I have to admit that whatever else Kevin Sorbo may lack in terms of acting ability, he has one priceless talent: he can do this all with a straight face. No matter how far down the script descends, Sorbo never lets slip to the audience that he is taking this with anything less than the utmost seriousness. Dylan may be a whole host of adjectives for "self-involved twerp" but damn if he isn't sincerely convinced the universe revolves around him and his sex life.
And what a sex life it must be if Dylan can't even manage to take off his pants for the big moment. I know this was airing on a Saturday afternoon and all, but I've seen more convincing sexual encounters on Touched by an Angel. It was like watching Ken and Barbie go at it - as directed by the average nine-year old, who knows just enough about the process to know that something happens... somewhere.
