Jeremiah Crichton

Farscape Episode Review

In which that is a very fake beard.

What Happened

John's Very Bad Day starts off clearing a blockage from Moya's internals. It continues when he takes off in his module, powered most by spite at the universe in general, and is left behind when Moya suddenly starbursts away.

So John and his very fake beard wind up taking a vacation on a pleasant little planet with some very friendly natives, including that chick who used to date the Beastmaster. (She's remarkably well coiffed considering how ratty John's looking.)

Lashala is the chief's daughter, and she falls for Crichton and his very fake beard. This upsets her boyfriend Ronkan, who is explaining to Crichton just how fake that beard is when D'Argo and Rygel arrive. Despite the fact that he was getting his face rearranged, John and his really fake beard are not happy to see his friends.

It's real nice they turned around and came back after abandoning him, Crichton and his really fake beard pout, but now they can't leave. Something on the planet sucks dry anything that requires energy.

The villagers arrest D'Argo, John, and his really fake beard for assaulting Ronkan, but when they come across Rygel, they mistake him for their Savior, the Masalta. Rygel is happy to play along, assuming that this planet was just once a part of his empire.

There's a prophecy (which cannot be good) and Rygel has a part in it (also probably not good). Lashala explains when she tearfully dumps John and his really fake beard: the prophecy promises that the Masalta will take them from Acquara, whether they want to go or not. And if Rygel's as fake as John's beard, they will all be put to death.

Ronkan's eeevil mother overhears Rygel wailing that he can't take anybody anywhere and denounces him. Just then, a plot device sent by Zhaan and Aeryn lands, pinpointing where the power sucker in the village square is located. John and his really fake beard spot hand-prints on the base of the Masalta statue and press Rygel's hands into them, hoping to turn it off.

It works and his Eminence rises up in his chair in front of the amazed Acquarans, the slug who would be king.

What We Learned

• It's not always John's fault. It's just almost always John's fault.
• This is hardly the time for human nonsense.
• D'Argo's hearts are private places.
• It is obvious Lashala feels coolai for the stranger.
• Zhaan was a lot more agreeable when she was a peace-loving priest.
• This isn't the happy reunion Rygel planned on.
• John has had alien creatures in his face, up his nose, in his brain and down his pants.
• Every religion has a sacred text.

What Did I Think?

Did I mention? About the beard? It looked like he'd scalped a Muppet.